I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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