My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
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sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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