it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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