Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
