we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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