Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
