there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
