So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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