My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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