At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
