dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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