i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
