Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
