I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
