P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
