she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
