I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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