What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
