omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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