let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
