Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
