this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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