Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
