So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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