Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
