omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
