I could make wine with my vomit
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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