This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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