yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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