You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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