I wish I could teleport
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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