Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i drank out of a bidet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have a pirate flag
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize