Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
