They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
