But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
