My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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