I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
