if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize