You smell like stripper and shame
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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