Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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