Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
