Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
