We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You don't make any sense
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