Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
