she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
