New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
