I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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