well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
