hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
