Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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