I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
