hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
