I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
