I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
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I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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